Team Erhardt Project: Meet The Pregnant Nun

This is the latest installment in the Team Erhardt Project series which appears on The Shooting Wire.

There is nothing more important to have in your range bag than excuses – a huge pile of excuses.

I learned this back when I was a senate staffer working on Capitol Hill.

One day in ’95 or ’96 when Matt Hogan, my roommate at the time, Jeff Fleming, also a congressional staffer, and I were on our way to the Prince George’s County Trap & Skeet Center to shoot sporting clays, my roommate offered up an excuse while we were still in the car on the way to the range.

I forget the excuse but remember Jeff calling out Matt saying, “Hogan, you’re already making excuses.”

To which Matt immediately replied, “I have more excuses than a pregnant nun.”

Besides being one of the funniest things I ever heard, it was also a great lesson. Have lots of excuses.

Fast forward to 2006 after my first Steel Challenge. I was on the phone with Bruce Gray, a Grand Master shooter and brilliant gunsmith who Michael Bane dubbed ‘God’s Own Gunsmith’.

When Bruce asked me how I did, without missing a beat I proudly declared, “I would have won the Steel Challenge but my reloads suck.”

Bruce roared with laughter.

You see, the Steel Challenge is a five target event and you start each run with a full mag. If you fire a sixth round you’re behind the speed curve. You go to slide lock, well, you suck.

I sucked.

A couple months later, Bruce, along with Scott Folk, who at the time worked for Bruce but now is with Apex Tactical, came to New Hampshire to teach a class at the Sig Academy.

The night before the class we had dinner at a local restaurant with students and friends who wanted to hang out with God’s Own Gunsmith. After dinner, and with great fanfare, Scott and Bruce handed out specially made, limited edition black t-shirts to all those present.

That shirt, which is the inspiration behind the title of this series, read on the front ‘Team Erhardt’ and on the back, my now infamous reload quote.

Since you can never have enough excuses, I spent the last couple weeks asking friends for excuses they’ve used or heard others use so I could share them with readers. Roughly broken down by category, here’s what I received.

Performance Excuses
– I’m 50 years old, have had 2 knee replacements, I’m overweight, going blind, have genetically-gifted high blood pressure and arthritis, and senility has begun to set in. Congratulations, champ! – Rob Leatham

– My hand still hurts from the alligator bite. – Deon Martin

– I’m a good shooter out of luck. – Unknown, courtesy of Mark Itzstein

– I could have done that 2 seconds faster. – Fellow UK shooter to Angus Hobdell who tactfully responded, “Well, why didn’t you shoot 2 seconds faster!”

– It’s not my fault, I’ve run out of talent. – Rob Leatham

Equipment Related Excuses
– I had a problem with the grip safety on my Glock. – Seiichi Ishikawa

– My trigger is too slow. – John Zasloff

– My lenses have the wrong curve for this range. – Unknown, courtesy of Mark Itzstein

– My gun is too hot to go fast. – John Zasloff

– I couldn’t get my AR sighted in any closer than 25 yards because the bullet drops 8″ when it comes out of the muzzle and takes that distance to rise back up. – Overheard by B.J. Norris

– My battery on my dot died just as the buzzer went off. – Mike Mazatta, courtesy of Deon Martin

– This ammo is dried out! – Unknown, courtesy of Chad Barber

– My bullets are specially made…for the air. – Jesse Wills

– Couldn’t find the slide release on my 627. – Seiichi Ishikawa

– The sights don’t have enough adjustment up and right for me to get it sighted in with my ammo. – overheard by B.J. Norris

– I’m wearing slow socks. – Mark Itzstein

Distraction Based Excuses
– I can’t shoot with you standing over my shoulder! Try standing in front of me! – Wife to husband, courtesy of Chad Barber

– UFO…. (points to sky) – Athena Lee

– I do not know, I forgot how to shoot. I had a plan and when I heard the buzzer go off I just forgot the plan. – Jesse Ital, courtesy of Brent Jacober

– A puff of smoke went in front of my eyes; so I stopped. Do I get a re-shoot? Honestly I thought it was some paint or smoke from a cigar. – Name withheld, courtesy of Stefan Wendland

Accusatory Excuses
– You pr#%ks must be cheating. – Courtesy of Mark Itzstein

– Is this regulation trap? – Courtesy of Michael MacDuff

– When did they add THIS stage to Steel Challenge? I don’t think I’ve ever seen it before. – Seiichi Ishikawa, 2010 Steel Challenge Iron Sight Revolver Champ

– The targets had body armor. – Jesse Wills

– That’s not how we set the targets in Australia. – Mark Itzstein

– This stage is totally different than the picture in the match book. – Seiichi Ishikawa

– I swear it [the target] moved. – Robert McDonald

Missed Shot Excuses
– I aimed real hard on that one. – Jerry Miculek to RO, courtesy of Cliff Walsh

– I’m not aiming anyway, I’m just shooting this to reload the brass. – Courtesy of Chad Barber

– I forgot to turn on my fiber optic front site. – Seiichi Ishikawa

– I was spraying and not praying. – Jesse Wills

Weather Excuses
– I asked if the officer was ready, he said, “not til noon, the sun has to be directly overhead.” – Courtesy of Jesse Ital

– The bright sun hit the magwell and temporarily blinded me. – J.J. Racaza, courtesy of Athena Lee

– The wind moved them. – Jesse Wills

Excuses For Not Practicing/Shooting
– Too hot, too cold, forgot my gear, forgot my gun, cat ate my gun, these shorts make my ass look big, it’s RAINING I might melt. – Athena Lee, from her “truckload of excuses”

– Naw, they got a sale over at Pottery Barn that day… Gonna go check that out instead. – Tyler Reynolds on why he couldn’t shoot the IDPA match, courtesy Scott Folk

Unimpeachable Excuse
– I didn’t hear the stage description because I was breastfeeding. – Laurel Yoshimoto

I don’t know about you, but I plan to go into this year’s Steel Challenge – which you still have time to enter – with all these excuses at my disposal…because you can never have enough excuses.

Of course, you’ll have a pretty good idea how bad I’m shooting if I get to the point I have to steal an excuse from Laurel Yoshimoto.

– Paul Erhardt

Follow the Team Erhardt Project on Twitter at @TheShootingWire, use hashtag #TeamErhardt.